Still married in my mind

“One hour, one day, one breath at a time.” These words seem so simple and basic, explaining time and the basic function of human survival, but when your life gets thrown into a washer with the lid slammed shut and the spin cycle started, these words become your new way of living.

Tomorrow is a stark reminder of this new living. We were supposed to be on a morning flight to the most magical place in the world (Disney World); planning started months ago, daily mapping around each park, planning character meet-and-greets, and even after-hours events that would have kept us up until the early morning hours. This trip was planned not because I wanted to go; secretly, I do love Disney, but it was because she wanted to go for her birthday. Her smile while watching the closing fireworks explode over the castle in the night sky, as I watched her sing “Happily Ever After,” this was even the last song we danced to at our wedding, just her and me, each night this breathtaking view made the long days on these sore, fragile bones worth it.

Instead, I am enjoying a week away from life, decompressing, allowing coffee and cold air to wake me up before I begin studying for my next exam. I get to watch deer walk across the open field, their breath piercing the cold morning air as the sun barely crests the treeline, starting a new journey to their next home. The younger ones herd together by their mothers, a family not knowing what the winter will bring them.

Some would see this as a win, I see it as a harsh reminder that things can change, even if you don’t wish for them or want them to happen. When God decides a change is coming, he maps this new path and places the lights along it. He prepares this long before he tells you it is coming. He spends times making sure it to bring out the best in you. He places new challenges, new successes, new lessons, and new people he wants in this next season of your life along this path placing them perfectly for the right moment.

This new path allowed me, for the first time in 6 years, to sit by myself at an empty bar, enjoy probably the best nachos in Delaware, drink a new sour IPA, and look at possible homes where the next season of my life will begin; new roots that will take hold in foreign soil, watered with happiness, and decisions of my own making. This concept is terrifying; if I’m being honest, I never would have believed, if I told my younger self 6 years ago, this is the path God would walk me down, but I are reminded he built this path for me and I must trust he is guiding me to a brighter tomorrow.

So if you get a chance to sit at an empty bar, eat good food, and drink a beer you have never tried by yourself, go for it, because those moments you take for yourself are okay and are part of his plan.

You always hear about how the guy move on from a marriage fast. They are posting on social from the bar. They hit on every woman that looks at them. Just the typical man moving on. However, no one talks about the men that wanted to stay married forever. The men who would do anything for their spouse. The ones who would do anything to maintain their marriage through any problem. They would even fix a crack in the Hoover Dam without a rope. If it meant saving his marriage and staying married until his last breath.

The sad truth in society is this type of man is often seen as weak. However, that is far from the truth.

Many men, including me, were just trying to find someone they believed will be there through it all. This includes the pain, the sorrow, the laughs, and happiness that marriage brings with it. We have a drive to be our best for our families and because the other person deserves it.

But who talks about when the man isn’t the one questioning if this marriage is the best they can do? What if it’s the wife that believes better is out there? How does that man feel when his life is turned upside down? Our society expects us to move on as if our marriages are over. If she doesn’t want to stay with you, there are 3.8 billion other women that can replace her. The years of growing as one be dammed.

Society doesn’t see the empty side of a bed. It doesn’t notice the quietness of a house that was once filled with laughs and cries. Society wants you to overlook the memories that make you stop and catch a breath. You do this to avoid having an emotional breakdown in the front yard while you are cutting the grass. This way, the neighbors don’t see you and think he has lost his mind.

I have recently felt this side of that man’s pain and still am. This causes you to not believe in yourself as much. You second guess everything up to that point in your life. You wonder if the pain will stop. You hope for just a few hours of sleep in a half empty bed, on a pillow that has dried tears on it. You catch yourself in a circle of wanting a last chance, and not knowing if she has found new happiness.

They don’t tell you how 24 hours turns into days. Days turn into a week. A week turns into weeks, and weeks into months. Every day, you hope she walks through the door. You want her to say she is willing to rebuild a new marriage from the ground up. Some men get this chance others never do, and I’m envious of those that get that chance.

They say time apart makes the heart grow fond, but what about the pain the time brings with it? I have to believe there is a purpose in all of this. Until I see that plan, stay blessed on your journey.

Everyone says it takes work, hard work to make a marriage work. You have to be willing to fix problems. You must love each other. Be prepared to see the bad side in someone. Also, be willing to calm that storm in them. Love them even when you want to throw in the towel.

Over the last 1.5 years I believed I was doing the right thing in a marriage. I was paying the bills. I continued to grow as a nurse. I even started a Nurse Practitioner program where I got my BSN from. I thought this was what a man should do for his wife. However, during this time, I neglected the most important thing in my life. HER. I was so worried about the future, I stopped living in the present. Looking back I wish I could slap the hell out of me for this.

She was the reason I wanted to be a better man. I lost sight of how she made me feel when life was calmer and simple. I would give it all away to return to the day I met her, at that Mexican restaurant in Dover. I wish to relive that moment just one more time.

We had another fight around June of this year. I recently discovered that she asked a friend what she should do. They advised her to start counseling with me. If she had just told me directly, “I want to start counseling Jeremy, and fix us.” I would have done it for her and been all in. I would do anything to save our marriage and honestly I still would to this day.

A few months passed and on September 23, 2025, I came home to a letter on our stove. It stated that my best friend and my wife would not be returning home. She was my missing piece in this world. I found her, but she would not come back home after finishing her work that day. She packed clothes while I was working and would be staying at a cousin’s home for some time. I was shocked and upset, but reading the letter I understood her side of this. I understood her reasons. I understood what drove her away. I believed with time and effort she would come home. We could rebuild this like we did every other rough time in our life.

Over the course of this past month, a lot in my life has changed. I have experienced holding a new nephew for the first time. I have given up hate for peace. I watch the sun rise and pray more these days. I have started to live in the present and not take these moments for granted. I love with my whole heart and not with conditions. I try to see the light in the darkness.

I still miss my wife every day. I will always cherish the sight of her when I would get home from a long night. I would stand in the doorway and watch her sleep. The mornings where she would give me a hug as I made breakfast. All the memories we made in this home as a young couple trying to figure it out. Are just some of the memories I will carry with me throughout my life. This last month has been hard on me with this new path I have been led me down. I understand she is happy where she is in life. I still pray she continues to have this happiness wherever that takes her in this life.

I will always be thankful for the way she helped shape my life. I am thankful for the memories we made together. I will continue to pray for God to show me his plan for me. However, if our path must end and we must separate, I want you to know something important. If your path ever has rain, I will always have an umbrella to keep you dry.

The day was May 19th, 2019, I remember it like it was yesterday. I was out front of a Mexican restaurant in Dover, DE. I was shaking because I haven’t been on a date in 3 years. I hadn’t been on a date in a long time. I was fresh out of the Army and navigating new civilian life. I finally said, “Jeremy, get out of the car. It’s a date. If it goes badly, at least you got some food.” Little did I know that statement shaped the next 6.5 years of my life.

When I saw her, my breath left my lungs. It felt like all the blood left my legs. The tough guy exterior the army created went straight out of the window. Somehow, I made it to where she was walking. I said, “Hey, are you Katie?” She said, “Yeah, and you must be Jeremy.” She had on the cute outfit. I got to meet the girl who seemed so shy. Once she opened up, she had such a story to tell.

We sat for hours talking about life and how we got to this point sitting in that booth together. It felt effortless. She made me laugh so much my jaw hurt and I barely ate my meal. I didn’t want the date to end. I asked “what else there is to do.” Like I hadn’t lived in DE for most of my life. She said “Well there is this mini golf place in Camden and they have ice cream. I thought “I can’t believe that just worked, Jeremy don’t blow this chance, you are doing so well.”

We met each other at Tre Sorelle Dolce in Camden. She told me I play mini golf often so you are going to lose. I remember saying “keep it close, but let her win.” Boyyyyyyy she beat my a**. She felt so bad. she let me buy her ice cream. We talked for what felt like the rest of the night. Most of my ice cream melted to the bottom of the cone. I then decided to walk her to her car. For some stupid reason, I leaned in for a kiss. To this day, I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I DID THAT!!!!!! It was probably the worst one I have ever given a girl. She later told me she was shocked and agreed it was a terrible try.

I walked back to my car and thought “real smooth Jeremy, she probably is blocking you as we speak.” I couldn’t stop thinking about the entire day playing back in my head on my drive home. How could meeting someone new flip my life on its head after one afternoon? I thought “if she blocks you at least you are back in the date scene.” I had no idea she was talking about me. She was telling her family, friends, and everyone who would listen about the guy from Townsend, Delaware.